what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
