omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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