Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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