That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How does one acquire holy water?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
