Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
