Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
