She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
