"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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