i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
