How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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