The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
