My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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