I accidentally had phone sex last night
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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