maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
