My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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