I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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