Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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