Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
