the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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