It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She told me I should be a condom model.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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