i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
