Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
