I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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