It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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