I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
