I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
