hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
