shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize