Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
