Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
