I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
