I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
