i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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