I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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