I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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