mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't turn off my feet"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
