Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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