he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
