I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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