I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
