ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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