if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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