hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
