You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
