How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
