The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
