I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i love accidental penises.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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