I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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