come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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