she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
