the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
