I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
