the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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