I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
