i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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