His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
