Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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