Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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