he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just pee around me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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