My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
