In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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