just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize