I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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