I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
