should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
